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Craving solitude is a perfectly natural part of life – particularly for parents or carers who spend so much of their lives serving the needs of others. It’s not wrong to want some moments to yourself here and there, but you’ll be aware that solitude is rarely there when you perhaps need it most. And when there isn’t the option to step out for a walk, shutting the door behind you, or simply disappear from view for a moment, it can be hard to know what to do with that need.
Whether it’s the thrum of everyday family life, the quiet work of caregiving, or just the weight of overstimulation, finding that moment of space while also being available for the things that can’t wait is a quiet skill well worth cultivating. It isn’t about tuning other people out – they still mean the world to you – but rather about tuning back into yourself, even for the shortest of spells in the smallest of ways.
Tasks that take you out of the firing line
There are certain activities that create a kind of invisible boundary, a silent signal that says “I need a minute, I haven’t gone away”. It can be folding laundry, watering plants, or reorganising the cutlery drawer just for a few examples. They aren’t chores in this context, they’re something to signal your temporary unavailability while you take a moment to let yourself breathe and think. The key is their rhythm; you’re focusing just enough to occupy the mind without overloading it. The world keeps moving, but the task gives you a little bit of space.
Low-stakes distractions
Taking a seat and performing a small task – non-chore related, ideally – can be a silent little refuge that acts as a buffer between you and the room around you. Jotting down a list, doodling on paper, or doing a quick word search can be your way of signalling that you need a moment. Such a task just gives a little bit of structure and some room you might not be permitted if you were just to sit and apparently do nothing. It might not be much, but it’s just like a little flag that says “Occupied: Ask me in five minutes”.
Repetitive motion
The key to this kind of solitude is that you’re performing an action, but it doesn’t matter what the action is. A repetitive action is a way of calming the nervous system when you’re feeling frayed and need an anchor. For this reason, it’s important that the action isn’t complicated and forcing you to concentrate. It can be brushing your hair, washing your face or counting something (from teabags to towels, it doesn’t matter what it is). The whole point is giving your body something to do while your mind catches up.
Focusing inward
Image by Anke Sundermeier from Pixabay
Breathing consciously is a way of doing yoga without the mat and candles; it doesn’t even require a silent space. A few intentional inhales and slow exhales, wherever you happen to be, can release you from sensory overload. The important thing is that you’re doing it through choice, not as a coping mechanism (by the time it’s got that far, it’s not going to work). While you do it, recite a phrase or even a song lyric that has meaning for you. While you breathe, your body and mind get a little time to decompress.
Micro-rituals
The very point of a moment of solitude is that it is just a moment; that’s all you need to just get yourself back on track. A micro-ritual can be a very useful way of doing this; it doesn’t need to be long-lasting, but it is something that everyone can see and which they learn to honour. It could be making a cup of tea in a preferred mug, putting on a favourite song, lighting a particular scented candle and simply having the time to do it. People will often interrupt you if they think you’re not doing anything; if they know you have your rituals, they’ll appreciate that they need to wait a moment before asking you anything.
Background noise that belongs to you
So you can’t leave the house, and you can’t reasonably expect it to be silent. What you can do is choose the soundtrack. Some gentle background noise can be like soundproofing for the soul; you choose the sound, whether it be a podcast you enjoy, a light playlist or just white noise. It softens everything down and puts a layer between you and the din. And, more than that, it’s kind of like your own theme music. When people around you hear that sound, they know you’re only to be disturbed for something that can’t wait.
Visually decluttering a space
Many of us see tidying in the context of productivity, a task to tick off. It can be that, but it can also be a way to reset emotionally. Pick one surface; a coffee table, a window sill, a kitchen counter – and just make it neat. The important thing here is not to bury yourself in a task, but to make use of the process to represent internal stillness. Even if there is mild chaos around you – and life can be chaotic – curating this one clutter-free space can allow the feeling of an oasis of calm, which can be contagious if you let it.
Acknowledge the need, don’t justify it
The more you verbally justify something, even internally, the more you open it up to being deconstructed. Yes, you have your rituals, your puzzles, your podcast, but does that need to be now? These negotiations don’t even need to come from someone else, you can find yourself doing it reflexively – and it’s vital to realise there is no need to back down on this. Wanting a moment to yourself isn’t wrong, or ungrateful, or detached. It’s human, and it’s also temporary. It doesn’t need to be justified, it just is. And the better you get at allowing yourself this space, the more it becomes part of life. It’s important to remember that.
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